Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Sick Gross Body Stuff

Do you know that rats can't vomit?

Since I am still recovering from spending every ounce of everything I had at Coachella, I'm led to the topic of sick gross body stuff in the form of phlegm and snot and whatnot. I'm blowing my nose and coughing every couple of minutes and it makes me think about what is just plain run-of-the-mill "Hey, sorry, excuse me but I'm sick" behavior and what is all-out public indecency and grossness. I tend to go with a personal barometer for that kind of thing--just what I feel is fine and what I think I should go to the bathroom and do in private. I remember in high school, there were kids who got up and grabbed a tissue and blew their nose while in class, and the kids who would go out of the classroom to blow their nose. I was the former.

I think I have a pretty big tolerance for human grossness. I don't immediately get nauseous when someone next to me vomits, I just feel bad for them and I try to avoid having it get on me. I mean, I don't LIKE the smell but I'm not going to go throw up over it. I just point my nose in a different direction and if the person's a friend, I pat their back or hold their hair and generally try to make them not feel embarrassed. When I have to vomit, I have a very nonchalant manner about it. I know I'll feel better afterward and I'm so grateful for the ability to get bad things out of my system that way.

However, I have been the designated driver of sick friends before and here is my advice about puking your guts out whilst in a moving vehicle. Don't. Please just tell the driver to pull over if you feel sick. Even a little bit. Just raise your voice and tell them before it's too late. Please do not do it out of the window while the driver is driving.

Now that I've spent a paragraph talking about snot and two paragraphs talking about barf, I'm not really sure where to go next except that it must suck for people who get so easily grossed out by normal bodily functions. I grew up around punk girls who would burp out loud, mid-sentence, and then continue with their speech without batting an eyelash. Also, since I live with my boyfriend and his 9-year old lives with us half the week, farts are pretty much the funniest things ever invented. Seriously, if you want to win kids over by cracking them up, just freshen up your fart jokes and say the word "butt" a lot. I'm not sure if Captain Underpants is to be blamed for this phenomena or if he's just the first genius to capitalize on it.

Also, are there still girls who don't fart in front of their boyfriends? I mean, I guess that's cool if your boyfriend also doesn't fart in front of you. That's a really sweet take-the-extra-mile-to-make-the-honeymoon-last type of thing, I think. But most dudes I know don't give a fuck and they will fart in front of their girlfriend, wife, grandma-- they don't give a fuck! So, I say, girls, unless you're dating some super gentleman no-farting kind of prince, then please just go ahead and fart, even the playing field a little bit, though I'm sure yours are nowhere near as disgusting as most dude ones are.

Ahem. (cough cough) (My own boyfriend's) <3

1 comment:

  1. Ha! My favorite part was about winning children over by saying the word "butt" a lot.